You can’t co-regulate with someone if you’re dysregulated yourself. That’s the single most important thing Amanda Werner has learned from years of parenting a neurodivergent child, navigating a marriage through an international move, and researching nervous system regulation as a lifelong special interest. In Part 2 of the nervous system series on the Empower Students Now podcast, Amanda breaks down what co-regulation actually means, what it looks like in a real family (not a textbook), and what you should absolutely stop doing because it makes everything worse. This isn’t a clinical overview. It’s Amanda sharing the strategies her family has actually used — from texting on Discord instead of talking face-to-face during conflict, to emailing her spouse when speaking would escalate things, to talking to her dog and her friend on Voxer when she needs to be the one who falls apart. If you’re a teacher, parent, or partner who feels like the only regulated adult in the room, this episode is for you.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• What co-regulation actually means: one person’s calm becomes a resource for another person’s nervous system — it’s not something you do to someone, it’s something that happens when you’re regulated first
• Why the airplane oxygen mask analogy is the most important concept in this entire series — you cannot help anyone from a dysregulated state
• The first and most powerful co-regulation strategy: stop talking. Talking during a meltdown almost always escalates the situation.
• What to say when you do speak: “Do you need space? What do you need? What can I do to help?” — questions, not solutions
• Why “calm down” never works and always makes things worse — and what to say instead
• The difference between taking space and giving the cold treatment — one is co-regulation, the other is punishment, and the line between them matters
• Why Amanda’s family communicates through Discord and email during conflict — and why this works especially well for neurodivergent kids who need processing time
• The listening partner strategy from the book Listen: Five Tools for Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler: how to set up a no-advice venting partnership with a friend
• Things that never work: matching someone’s energy, problem-solving too soon, shaming, punishing, withdrawing completely
• Things that do work: lowering your voice deliberately, offering water or tea, giving space and then coming back together to problem-solve later, humor, family signals for “I need time,” and respecting each other’s alone time
• Amanda’s real-life examples: her husband needing an hour of silence every morning, her tween who says “Why are you staring into my soul, mother?” when she makes eye contact, and how she Voxers a friend instead of talking to her husband before he’s ready
• Why rage rooms should be a family wellness category
• Why families sometimes need outside support — therapy, community, listening partners — and that’s not failure, it’s wisdom

Book discussed:

• Listen: Five Tools for Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler

This is Part 2 of a 3-part series:

• Part 1: Regulating yourself
• Part 2 (this episode): Co-regulating with your family
• Part 3: Bringing regulation into your classroom

If you found this episode helpful, please share it with a fellow teacher, parent, or partner who feels like they’re the only one trying to hold it all together. Transcript Amanda: [00:00:00] Welcome back to the Empower Students Now podcast. I’m your host, Amanda Warner. This is part two in a three-part series, so if you haven’t listened to part one, I highly recommend that you go back and listen to part one, because it builds on what I’m going to talk about today in this episode. In part one, I talked about your own nervous system and how to figure out if you’re dysregulated, what that actually means, what it looks like in your body, and that it can look different in different bodies. And I also, uh, provided some tools that you can use to start noticing when you’re dysregulated and what to do to get yourself back to a more calm state. I shared a lot of personal stories about [00:01:00] being neurodivergent and how d- being dysregulated can happen a lot more often if you’re neurodivergent and, um, and what… And, you know, that’s part of being neurodivergent, honestly. And I just think that the personal is what makes this relatable and real and just trying to be as honest as I can on here. Uh, so today in part two, we’re gonna talk about what happens when the people around you, your family, are dysregulated, your spouse, your partner, your kids, even your pets, they can be dysregulated, and what it means to co-regulate with them, what it looks like when you’re co-regulating and what, you know, what it doesn’t look like, what, what doesn’t work, and I know a lot about what doesn’t work. But I’ll also talk about, [00:02:00] uh, what does work and what has worked for me in my personal life. So everything I’m about to share is my lived experience. My family and I have been through r- really intense stuff and an intense stretch of time with our international move to Uruguay and just l- you know, like all the diagnoses that have happened throughout the years, uh, in my family and And yeah, if you wanna know more about that, you can always go back and look at, listen to previous episodes. I talk, um, at length about a lot of personal experiences with all of this. And so I have a lot of thoughts about, um, nervous system regulation and just its importance. I also have a lot of experience and a lot of [00:03:00] knowledge because I’ve been researching this pretty much y- my whole adult life really. Uh, I’ve, I’ve… One of my special interests or hyperfixations, if you wanna call it that, are, is psychology and, uh, relationships, human relationships, which is actually really common for autistic women or, uh, people who identify, um, more with the female phenotype of autism. I am autistic. I, uh, have ADHD. I was formally diagnosed with both, so, uh, and I… Before I was formally diagnosed, I was pretty certain, so I was self-diagnosed as well, and that is totally valid, um, for someone to self-diagnose with all of the information that we have available at our fingertips, all the different tools and, and articles, and just there’s so much out there for people [00:04:00] to, um, to learn more about ADHD and autism or AuDHD. So self-diagnosis, in my opinion, is v- very much, um, a valid and, um, sometimes necessary, um, necessary route because being diagnosed, going through the formal evaluation process is very expensive, especially for adults. All right, but that’s not what this episode’s about. This episode is about being dysregulated and families being dysregulated and what co- co-regulation means. So let’s go ahead and get started now. Welcome to the Empower Students Now podcast, a podcast about equity, neurodiversity, mindfulness, and student engagement. There’s a lot that needs to change in our education system. The good news is teachers have the power to make these changes [00:05:00] now. All right, in true teacher form, I am going to start with a definition. What does the word co-regulate even mean? I feel like this word is thrown around a lot, just like, um, nervous system regulation and dysregulation. I, I defined those two words in the last episode, uh, part one, and today I wanna talk about what co-regulation means. It’s, you know, like, I think a lot of people, like, assume that they know what it means, but do they really? So here’s what co-regulation means in a… This is a really simplified, uh, definition, ’cause you know me, I love to simplify things. Co-regulation is the process by which one person’s regulated nervous system helps another person’s nervous system [00:06:00] find its way back to calm. That’s it. That’s the definition. One person’s calm becomes a resource for another person And it’s– this is not like something you do to someone, and I’m gonna give you a lot of examples of, of what this looks like. ‘Cause I think a lot of people, myself included, have thought about how it might look like holding someone, um, like a baby. You know, when they’re crying, and you pick them up, and you hold them against your chest, and you breathe slowly and calmly. And if you’re lucky, eventually the baby sort of, uh, starts to breathe and match your, your rhythm. And that is one example of co-regulation. But you can’t do that with, you know, your teenagers or your tweens. I have a tween who does not like to be touched, does [00:07:00] not like to be hugged, does not even like me to look at– into their eyes. They, they ma- they make me look away because they feel uncomfortable when I look into their eyes, and they say things like, “Why are you staring into my soul, mother?” Even when I glance at them, this is a stage they’re in. And I’m laughing because that is one way that I regulate myself, is through humor, um, when I can. Uh, so but it can look a lot of other ways. You don’t have to hold someone to co-regulate with them. This is a really, really powerful strategy for s- for people, pa-partners, though, with your spouse. Um, it c- it can be we are animals. Humans are animals. And so it can be really a beautiful, wonderful thing when partners can lie [00:08:00] together and hold each other and breathe deeply together. Um, but that’s not all couples. Not all couple- couples, uh, want to do that. And, and that’s not the only way that you can co-regulate with someone. Um, and the next episode, we’re gonna talk about a classroom. You can’t do that with, with your students. Okay? So I do wanna talk about other ways that you can co-regulate with, um, someone who’s dysregulated. Okay. But before I talk about that, there’s one thing that I really think is, is just really, really important. It’s probably one of the most important things that I’m gonna say this entire series. You cannot co-regulate with someone if you’re dysregulated. You cannot… If you’re dysregulated, you can’t help anyone. You have to help yourself first, and it goes back to that saying of, [00:09:00] you know, in airplanes, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help others. Um, that’s a really powerful analogy to this Um, and so if you want strategies for that, go back to the last episode and listen to that one, because it’s really good. It’s good stuff. Um, okay, because when you’re dysre- regulated and someone else is dysregulated, you’re gonna just continue to dysregulate even more. It’s gonna just make things worse. Um, so let’s, let’s talk about what co-regulation would look like in a family, um, and not cuddling, right? But that is, like I said, one way that you can co-regulate with someone. Uh, okay. So, uh, if, if– I mean, different people have different ways of showing they’re dysregulated. Some of the outward ways that someone [00:10:00] might– you might be able to tell that they’re dysregulated is they’re yelling or, um, they’re arguing or they’re crying or, um, you know, they’re stomping or they’re, they’re punching something or they’re running away, right? These are all signs that someone is dysregulated. And so, um, I think one of the most important things that you can do when someone is dysregulated is to stop talking. Talking does not help. Trying to problem solve in the middle of someone’s, like, meltdown, it’s just not gonna help. It, it never will. No matter how much we think we can help by talking It won’t help. Um, so especially if someone’s in a, like, full-blown meltdown, just stop. Stop talking. You can just sit and just slowly breathe in [00:11:00] and out, just trying to regulate yourself. Because when someone is really, really upset in front of you, it can begin to dysregulate you, even if you were ca- calm in the beginning. Um, so putting your feet flat on the floor, um, breathing through your nose, in and out through your mouth, um, just, and just paying attention to your breath. These are things that you can do to first regulate yourself, and then if you start to notice the person, like you stop talking, you stop trying to problem solve, um, because talking can often, like, make someone even more upset and escalate the situation. Okay? So once you stop talking and they start to maybe calm down a little bit, one– uh, the next strategy could be to lower your voice and talk more slowly, um, and consciously and deliberately. [00:12:00] So y- you could also… And the first thing you’re gonna wanna say is, “Do you need space? What do you need? What can I do to help?” Just questions. Just questions. And a lot of times when I would do this as a parent with my chi- dysregulated child, they would say, “Leave me. Leave me alone.” And that’s often what kids need, is they need… And adults. If you’re in a fight with your, your spouse and you’re arguing and you’re just going back and forth and you’re getting more and more upset and you’re saying more and more cruel, mean things that you’re gonna regret later, you have to take space. I call it taking space. “I’m gonna give you space. Um, we’re gonna take time. We’re, we’re not– We’re gonna stop. Like, like we’re gonna go our separate ways. You’re gonna be in your room. I’m gonna be on a walk with my dog,” or whatever. [00:13:00] Um, “You’re gonna go play your video games,” whatever, like, the person needs to regulate themselves and calm down So co-regulating looks like stopping and, um, and like giving people space. Um, but sometimes a kid might say, you know, “I need a glass of water.” And wow, like, or maybe the parent needs a glass of water, or even offering the child, like, w- if they don’t know what they need, you might say, “A glass of water,” because water, actually drinking a glass of water can calm your nervous system down. Um, making, uh, your spouse a cup of tea if they like that. Um, just being kind, being kind. Um, even when you don’t feel like like even when you feel triggered, you know, like it can really defl- like deflate the, the stress in the room when one person just [00:14:00] decides to take the kind, to make the kind choice, um, and give the other person space or just say like, “Let’s talk about this, um, tomorrow.” And, and that is kind of, that is the hard part about giving space, is actually coming back together and having a conversation about the problem and what happened, um, and, and p- and making time to problem solve. And one way you can do that if you have a neurodivergent child, um, is I talk to my kid a lot on Discord. We will talk, like text back and forth. Um, and I think that that is a really, um, powerful way that actually works, uh, to problem solve with a kid because a, a neurodivergent kid, again, like does not want to be put on the spot. They, they need time, and sometimes these kids have, you know, their processing s- sync speed, [00:15:00] processing what’s happening in the moment, processing what you’re saying, like it takes them longer to reflect and to figure out, “Well, what do I wanna say?” And so communicating, sometimes my spouse and I, we communicate via email, writing emails back and forth to each other. Um, so these are just some like real world examples of, of co-regulating, of getting back to calm. Now, here are some things that do not ever work. So one of them I said is just continuing to talk or problem solve, but also telling someone to calm down. That never, ever works. It just makes people feel like their feelings aren’t, um, you know, validated or that they, that they’re inconvenient for you or they’re wrong somehow, and so you don’t wanna be dismissive. Saying calm down is, is a, a dismissive [00:16:00] phrase, and a lot of us say it and we’re in that habit, and I d- I’m not judging you for saying that because I’ve said it many, many, many times too. Um, so but it just doesn’t work. It makes things worse. Um- Another thing that you definitely don’t wanna do, and I’ve already mentioned this, is trying to problem solve too soon. When someone’s upset, that is not the time to p- problem solve. And I’m talking about s- like your spouse or your partner and your kid, okay? Matching someone else’s energy, like if someone’s raising their voice, raising yours back, that doesn’t work. Um, it’s like an impulse that we all have, but we really… You know, if we’re trying to change, um, the, how people are relating in our family, then we have to first change ourselves, you know? And I know that’s a lot to ask of you, listener, but it, it really… I’m telling you things that have worked for me. Um, and [00:17:00] yeah. And, and I really do think that kindness, being calm, knowing myself, it’s helped me relate better with my family members. It’s improved the connection and the understanding within my family. And so that’s why I’m sharing this on the podcast today. Um, another thing that doesn’t work is just withdrawing completely, um, just shutting down, going silent. I’ve done this many times where I’m just like, “Well, I’m gonna give you the cold treatment, and you’re gonna pay for what you are making me feel.” You know? Like, it can make people feel abandoned. Um, there’s, you know, there’s a difference between taking space and kind of punishing someone for mistreating you or whatever. You definitely don’t wanna do this with your kid, and it definitely doesn’t work with your spouse. Um, shaming or punishing doesn’t work, um, at all, uh, especially when a kid is dysregulated. It [00:18:00] makes things worse. It really does. Um, it makes everything escalate, so I don’t recommend that. Uh, so these are things you don’t want to do. Um Let’s see, what else do I have for you? Uh, there’s some stuff I wanna talk about, like when you’re dysregulated, when your spouse is dysregulated, when your kid is re- dysregulated, like this is a really tough scenario. And you need space to be dysregulated. Like, you need to be able to have your own meltdown, right? And so that’s where it’s important to have, um, support outside of your home, maybe with a friend. Um, there’s a wonderful book called Listen, uh, Five– it’s the best parenting book I’ve ever encountered, ever, and I’ve written– read a lot of parenting books. It’s my favorite parenting [00:19:00] book. It’s called Listen: Five Tools for Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler. It’s, it’s a wonderful, wonderful book, and one of the things they talk about, one of the tools is a listening partner. And so if you’re a parent who feel alone in their family and like you’re the only one that’s like researching and learning and trying different strategies and working on yourself, um, you need somewhere to vent. And so asking a friend to be a listening partner, and the way that works is you and your friend or a therapist, um, a therapist is even better, but that’s expensive. But you and a friend, you’re partners. You’re listening partners, so that w- that means that you are not giving each other advice because advice can feel very triggering too. Like, “Oh, my friend has it all figured out, and I don’t, and I need them to like tell me what to do.” Like, I hate that. Like, it’s the [00:20:00] worst. Um, and so sometimes when I’m venting, I’ll say, “I really don’t need advice. I just need to vent.” Um, so saying that. But a, a listening partner, uh, is someone who you have agreed with that person, like, “I am going to spend 15 minutes venting, complaining, getting upset,” having a meltdown even if you feel really safe with this person, and that person just holds space for you. They don’t offer advice. They just, um, sit silently or maybe they say affirming things like, “I hear you. That’s so hard.” They maybe put their hand on their heart like, “Wow! Oh my goodness.” Like things like that. Um, or maybe they just sit silently. It’s up to you and your listening partner. You decide the rules. But then you reverse roles, and the other person gets to vent or, um or, uh, have a meltdown or whatever. Uh, so this is really, [00:21:00] um, just a really, really, I think, important tool for a parent who feels alone in their family and, um, doesn’t feel like they have the space to have their own meltdowns or be dysregulated, because sometimes dysregulating is what we need. There’s something that I really wanted to do, and I’m really sad that I never got to do it. I don’t know if they have these in Uruguay. Maybe I should look it up, but rage rooms. Um, those are around in the Bay Area, and I never got to go to one, and I’m really sad that I didn’t, and I wanted to take my kid and darn it. Like, I’m thinking about it right now, and I’m thinking that sounds so fun, a rage room. Just being able to, like, go and, like, throw things and break things and, you know, we all need the opportunity to have our own feelings. Um, and it’s really important for us to be able to do that and not suppress them. Um, [00:22:00] okay. So, um, some other things that I wanted to talk about, like that you could, um, talk to your family about, some things that you could do. Uh, so like one thing you could do is develop a signal. So a signal that means I need my own time right now. I, I don’t wanna debate, I don’t wanna argue. Um, you can come up with a signal that your family uses. Um, my family doesn’t use a signal, but this is like a s- strategy I’ve read about that can work for some families. Um, transitions, like creating transitions, um, w- when you’re leaving the home and coming back to the home, um, when you’re coming back from work, just having, uh, some sort of like regular, um, pattern that especially for neurodivergent kids, that’s really, really [00:23:00] important. Um, and then also just being able to name your feelings and like speak up for yourself without someone putting you down in your family is really important. So like, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now,” being able to say that to your partner or your child, um, or, “I just need space.” And I, I think, I guess we do kinda have a signal. We say, “I, let’s take space.” Um, so that, I think that’s one way that we communicate with each other in my family. Um, you know, some things you could also do together as a family is like listen to music, go for walks together, pet, you know, spend time with your pets. Pets can be very regulating for families. Petting the dog together, petting, playing with the cat together. Um, these all can really… Laughing together. Um, we kind of have like dark humor in our family. We [00:24:00] share little gifs, um, on Discord, which are really funny. Um, and we, we really, really respect each other, um, and our, our time alone, our alone time. We all need alone time And, you know, like for example, in the mornings, um, I’m a morning person. I like to talk. I’m really in a really good mood, but my husband is not, you know? And he has, um… We’ve communicated, and he has said like, you know, “I need to not talk for like at least the first hour of the morning.” And so I have a friend that I talk to on Voxer instead. And, you know, and I talk to my dog, and like my husband, you know, when he’s done with his morning routine, he’s ready and I can talk to him then. But like, you know, just feeling safe to ask for what you need and speak up for what you need is really, really important [00:25:00] without feeling like, you know… Um, and sometimes people can g- their feel- feelings can get hurt, you know, when someone else says like, “I need time away from you,” you know? But like, um, that’s normal too, and that’s valid too to have your feelings hurt or to say, “Ah, man, that hurts.” You know? Like, “Ouch.” Um, and so, you know, it’s a back and forth kind of thing. Like you really do need to be able to say your truth to someone, um, and, and have that person hear you and not like deflect or blame or get their feelings hurt, you know, and then it becomes all about that person rather than what you just spoke up for, your need. Um, and so this all just takes, you know, a lot of time and patience and just honest communication, but also kindness. Um, and sometimes like therapy. Families need therapy. So like getting [00:26:00] resources or becoming part of a community. Um, and all of these things cost money, but sometimes like that’s what you really, really need, and that’s where you need to spend your money if your family is like super, super dysfunctional. And my family has been in the past and has needed to have outsour- outside sources, and that is okay Co-regulating a family is one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do, especially as someone with autism and ADHD who already has a narrow, you know, like zone of regulation. It’s hard. I get stressed very easily. Um, and I think, you know, that’s been one of the biggest challenges of my life, but also one of the most important like learning experiences. Sometimes hard, really [00:27:00] trying, challenging times are the best opportunities for learning and growth. I’m so grateful to you for listening. If you found this episode helpful at all, I really, really always appreciate you sharing it with others. Um, it helps the podcast grow and definitely come back for part three next week about regulating a classroom. Thank you again for listening and I’ll talk to you next time. [00:28:00] Adios.