In this episode of the Empower Students Now podcast, host Amanda dives into the critical skill of conflict resolution. Amanda shares personal experiences and highlights the lack of formal education on resolving conflicts. Offering a range of practical steps and strategies, she categorizes conflicts into task, values, and relationship types and provides a seven-step guide for healthy conflict resolution. Additionally, she discusses power dynamics and the importance of setting boundaries when conflicts can’t be resolved. Accompanied by a free student-facing slideshow, this episode is a valuable resource for teachers looking to equip students with essential life skills.
00:00 Introduction to Conflict Resolution
05:33 Types of Conflicts
10:00 Common Reactions to Conflict
12:02 Steps for Healthy Conflict Resolution
24:32 Power Dynamics in Conflict
29:08 Setting Boundaries and Conclusion
Transcript:
Amanda: [00:00:00] Welcome back to the Empower Students Now podcast. I’m Amanda, your host, and we are continuing this series on what students need most for their future, no matter what the future has in store. These are the skills that people need now. So this episode, I’m gonna start with a question. Have you ever had a conflict?
Amanda: That’s rhetorical, because I’m guessing you have. We all have. Right? And here’s the next question, and this is not rhetorical. I want you to think about it really. ’cause I’ve thought a lot about it. Were you ever taught how to. Resolve conflicts or how to be in conflict. Were you ever taught that? [00:01:00] My answer to this question is no.
Amanda: I have never been taught, especially in school, when I went to school, I was never taught how to resolve conflicts. And I took a lot of psychology classes too, and education classes and. Conflict resolution was not something that was explicitly taught or really even talked about ever. Um, but the good news is that I have learned a lot of these skills through.
Amanda: Therapy. So I have been taught a lot of conflict resolution and you know, just sitting in conflict with people. Uh, through the years that I’ve spent in therapy, my therapist has taught me. So today I’m going to, [00:02:00] if you haven’t been taught this, I’m gonna teach you and. What’s really awesome about this series is that it comes with a slideshow, a student facing slideshow, so you can get a slideshow to teach conflict resolution to your class today for free.
Amanda: Just click the link in the show notes called Essential Skills Slideshows, and you’ll get access to all the slideshows that I have created for all of these skills. And if you’re wondering what the other skills are, well they’re the previous episodes. A lot of them are, uh, in the titles. So just look back at previous episodes and you’ll find those.
Amanda: Welcome to the Empower Students Now podcast. A podcast about equity, neurodiversity, mindfulness, and student engagement. There’s a lot that needs to change in our education system. The good news is teachers have the power to make these changes now.[00:03:00]
Amanda: So the truth is that conflict is inevitable. It happens to all of us. It just happens. When you’re collaborating, when you’re working in a school system, when you’re in your home with your family, when you’re with a friend, like it happens everywhere, every day, um, when you’re driving on the freeway, right?
Amanda: It happens everywhere. So in our last episode, we talked about. Collaborative problem solving, helping students work together effectively to achieve some sort of goal. But what we need to go deeper, I think, with our students and ourselves, what happens when you’re trying to collaborative collaboratively problem solve, but two people want two different things, [00:04:00] or two people value two different things.
Amanda: Or someone’s behavior is really impacting another person negatively. All of these situations arise, and it’s sort of shocking, honestly to me. How little. Uh, people talk about this or how little content is out there for teachers to teach students these things, like why I, it really blows my mind. I’m having like one of those brain emoji explosion moments because it’s like, this is not new.
Amanda: This happens every single day to all of us. Probably multiple times a day. And so what, what have we been taught about how to, how to navigate all of this? Nothing. Nothing. Really what we’ve done is we’ve just been in survival mode and I’m, I’m saying we, because I’m talking about me too. So we learn how to [00:05:00] avoid conflict.
Amanda: We learn how to people. Please. We learn how to ghost others and, and go silent. We learn how to, um, become defensive and we learn how to blow up and storm out. And these are the things that we have just basically automatically done, um, in a conflict, right? These are like very common human reactions to a conflict.
Amanda: Okay, so the first thing that I wanna talk about when it comes to conflict resolution is that there are different types of conflicts, and I have. Sort of created these like names for the types of conflicts that people might face if like created categories. So here they are. There’s, uh, the task conflict, so disagreeing about how to do something.
Amanda: [00:06:00] So like, um, in a classroom setting, uh, two students who are working together on a project might disagree about. What they should do first, right? Like maybe someone disagrees or says we should be researching, or another person wants to start brainstorming, or another person just wants to start working on the poster, right?
Amanda: So like it’s just more of a task type of conflict. Or let’s think about your home. You disagree about how the dishes should be loaded in the dishwasher, right? These are usually. Conflicts that can be resolved fairly easily. Um, because it’s, it’s, the conflict is about a, like a. Sort of a strategy for approaching something.
Amanda: It’s not really about the people involved usually. Okay. Then the second type of conflict is a values conflict. So [00:07:00] disagreeing about what matters or what’s right. So for example, let’s go back to the dishwasher. Um. Different people have different, um, levels of cleanliness that they are comfortable with.
Amanda: Some people are comfortable with leaving the dishes in the sink all week long and aren’t bothered by that. They don’t value doing the dishes every day. And this is, um, a very personal example because this is my husband and I, right? He doesn’t really think it’s a big deal to do, have to, to do the dishes every day.
Amanda: I am what you would call a clean freak. I really want the dishes done every stinking day. I value cleanliness. It is, I’m very sensitive to my environment and how clean it is. And I, I, I attribute that to being [00:08:00] neurodivergent. I really do at this point. I spend a lot of time cleaning and I used to judge myself about that.
Amanda: Uh, but I don’t anymore. I’ve, I’ve embraced that. It calms me. It makes me very calm. It’s an important thing for me. I value cleanliness. I value minimalism in my environment because if it’s not. Clean and there’s minimal clutter, then I’m very, very stressed out and it’s hard for me to like. Focus or be happy really.
Amanda: Okay, so this is a values type of conflict. Right? And this is a little tricky to resolve because it touches on different people’s priorities, right? Then there’s the third type of conflict, which is a relationship conflict. So it’s like involved with some, the way that someone behaves, like maybe someone.
Amanda: Talks too much. Me? Maybe someone talks too little. [00:09:00] Maybe someone interrupts too much. Maybe someone is constantly on their phone and distracted when you’re trying to have a conversation, right? These are the hardest types of conflicts to resolve because they’re very. Personal and they involve someone’s sort of like behavior and identity and so it’s, it’s a harder conflict to resolve.
Amanda: Let’s talk about a classroom, right? When students are in conflict and. Basically the things that kind of happen when they’re trying to solve a conflict. So, so, and this is adults too. This happens. And these are things that you, you, you do wanna name when you’re teaching these things to students, because it’ll normalize it, right?
Amanda: It’ll normalize, it’ll help kids feel and you feel like, oh, this is just human. Everyone does this. It’s okay, right? [00:10:00] Okay. So some students are very loud, right? If they’re in conflict, they will get loud, they’ll get angry, they might attack, right? Some students get very defensive and might blame other people.
Amanda: Which escalates the situation even more. Um, some students just shut down, right? And they say nothing and they don’t wanna talk. Or maybe they, they start crying, right? That that’s when the, the, the problem or the conflict is escalated too far and right. And so none of these ways of, of being in conflict are, are gonna help resolve the conflict.
Amanda: And they’re also, these behaviors are gonna make. Make it worse. Um, another thing that happens in classrooms is that kids tend to compete or want to be right or want to win and get their way. These are also things that don’t help in conflict resolution. So these are [00:11:00] things that, um, we need to name in a classroom that happened.
Amanda: And don’t blame anyone, you know, don’t point fingers at people. Kids might look at each other when you’re talking about these things. Um, but. Yeah, just know that like, and even say maybe to yourself like, you know, I have actually, these are behaviors that I have actually, um, exhibited myself. Two. Okay. I’m a teacher, I’m a grownup.
Amanda: I’ve done all of these things. Um, and so kids can feel like a little bit better. Um, okay. And I’m sure that they could probably, if you’re mid-year, right, you’re listening to this, it’s mid-year, you’ve really gotten to know your students. They’ve gotten, gotten to know you. You might even talk about like, hmm, what are some of the things that the teacher has done that haven’t necessarily been the most healthy way to resolve a conflict?
Amanda: Right. Um, you could even talk about those stories in the, in the classroom if you’re comfortable with it. So what does healthy [00:12:00] conflict resolution actually look like? Well, it looks like not doing the things I just named, not getting my own way or not running away from the conflict. Right. Not trying to people please.
Amanda: Right. So there, so the, I’m gonna name, I think it’s seven. Yes. Seven steps for healthy conflict resolution. Okay. So the first thing if you’re in a conflict with someone is to ask yourself how you’re feeling, right? What am I feeling right now? And a lot of people might say, I’m feeling really triggered. I’m feeling anxious, I’m feeling sad.
Amanda: I, I feel like crying and. And then if, if possible, sometimes this is not possible, but you might ask, what’s this other person feeling? What? What did they seem like? Do they seem angry? Do they seem shut down? Right? So it’s really like pausing and checking in with your body and pausing is [00:13:00] so important. When you’re on in conflict, like a lot of people when they’re in conflict, they just wanna solve it now.
Amanda: Like I know that feeling, right? Like, you just want to solve this, this now, or you just wanna give up and walk away. And this is like fight or flight. This is a fight or flight response, and it’s actually a brain response that’s very primal. And you can teach kids this, right? It’s your amygdala, it’s a part of your brain.
Amanda: That’s that’s the. One of the oldest parts of your brain, and it’s your stress response. Um, and you can’t think clearly when this is activated, when you feel a lot of emotion pulsing through your body. That is not the time to solve a conflict. It just isn’t. You cannot solve any conflicts. When you’re triggered.
Amanda: You can’t, like, it just gets worse and worse and worse. And so this is one of the, one of the things that I feel like I found so valuable. In therapy is like you need to pick [00:14:00] the right time and the right place to solve. Conflicts. Okay. So that’s actually the second step. You need to pick the right time and the right place.
Amanda: Don’t try to resolve the conflict when you’re both stressed out or the whole group stressed out or you’re tired or you feel really defensive. Um, you need to give it time. You might say something like. I think we’re both really upset right now. Maybe we need to talk about this another day or another time.
Amanda: It’s okay, but one caveat to this is this happens in my own life, okay? Sometimes. This leads to just avoiding it all together and never solving the conflict. So you have to be willing to come back together and say, Hey, remember how we said we were gonna calm down and talk about this thing? Well, I’m calm now.
Amanda: Are you? Would this be a good time to talk about it? Are you calm? Um, and also like in [00:15:00] a private space is good. I mean, classrooms aren’t very private spaces, but really, like if you see a group that’s, that’s really escalating in a conflict, right? Or two students or in a very heated moment, that is not the time to conflict.
Amanda: Re re resolution? No, no, no, no, no, no. It’s not, it’s the time to take space. Okay. So like that’s so important. It’s so important. You have to both be calm. Okay. This sounds so obvious, but it really isn’t, especially when it’s heated. Okay? Okay. So once you have. Separated and calmed down, and maybe some time has passed so you can reflect.
Amanda: Um, the third thing that you’re gonna do for healthy conflict resolution is to use I statements, not you statements. Okay. So you don’t wanna say you’re always doing this, or you’re this or [00:16:00] you’re that, right? Because that’s gonna just escalate the emotions again. So you can use this phrase, okay. So it’s when X happened.
Amanda: I felt y because Z. So for example, um, when you interrupted me during the presentation that we were giving to the class, I felt disrespected because I had prepared something I wanted to share and you didn’t let me. Uh oh. That was a you statement. See, this is really hard. Okay. And I didn’t have an opportunity to, okay, so you wanna try and avoid the, the, you, you, you, you blame, blame, blame.
Amanda: Okay. So it focuses on this type of I statements, type of, um, I. Things you can do are, it focuses on behavior, not on the person’s character, and it talk, it’s about the impact of that behavior, right? Rather than like [00:17:00] accusing someone of something so. Fourth is to listen to the other person to understand, not to defend, to understand where they’re coming from.
Amanda: So I did do an episode on active listening. So you might refer to those slides when you’re teaching this to your students, but this is where active listening comes in being really, genuinely curious about the other person’s perspective. Even if you disagree with it. Okay. Um, trying to ask questions, clarifying questions after you’ve heard them spoke about their point of view.
Amanda: Paraphrase what you heard them say. Ask, did I get that right? Try not to interrupt them. Try not to try and try not to explain yourself, right? This is their time and your time to just listen. Fifth is look for what is the underlying need. Often people are arguing about their positions, um, the specific solution that they [00:18:00] want when the real I issue is what’s kind of underneath the fight, right?
Amanda: So two students who are fighting over who gets to present first during a presentation, they’re, they’re not. The issue is not like the presentation and who gets to go first. There’s something going on underneath. So asking, why do you wanna go first? Might get at the like underlying. Feelings of the conflict.
Amanda: So one person might just feel really anxious about the presentation and just wants to get it over with the other person, um, might just be like super excited and feel like what they have to say is the most important in the presentation. So like, once you understand the students’ needs, you can often kind of find.
Amanda: Creative solutions. And that is the sixth, sixth step. So [00:19:00] brainstorming solutions together, once both people have had an opportunity to share their point of view and really be heard by the other, through active listening, and you kind of understand the underlying need. Right, and, and my husband and I have talked about the dishes a lot and cleanliness a lot, right?
Amanda: Like my need for everything to be clean. Now his, um, need to be able to relax and clean on his own time. It’s not about the cleaning. The problem is not the cleaning, the problem is our underlying needs. Okay? So that’s like another example in like a marriage. Okay, so, and I could talk about some of the solutions that we’ve come up with.
Amanda: You probably want to hear about that. But let’s talk about some of the, these are some sort of like sentence stems you can use with students and with your marriage or whoever else you’re having a conflict with. So, you know, don’t try and convince the other person of your solution, right? Like instead say something like, what if we [00:20:00] blank?
Amanda: How about blank? Would it work if. So the best solutions emerge when you’re collaborating together and kind of asking for the other point person’s point of view, proposing a solution, and then hearing the other person out about how they feel about that solution. And it could be a back and forth and it could be challenging and it, you might not be able to resolve the conflict.
Amanda: It might be too hard. And I’ll talk more about that later. Um, but the seventh step is to agree on a way forward, and, and this is really important, check back in later, make sure you’re both clear about what you’re committing to, and then actually follow up to see if it’s working. Okay. So in terms of like terms the dishes and like one partner.
Amanda: Needing the dishes to be done now and the other one wanting to do it on their own time. Basically, [00:21:00] what we, the, the, the compromise that we have come up with is really, uh, because it’s very important that I’m not, you know, doing all of the work. ’cause I do most of the cooking and so for me to have to do the dishes.
Amanda: Two, like that’s not fair, right? That feels like I am overloaded with too many things, um, too many chores. My awareness of this sort of anxiety about the messy, the messiness of the sink, that’s something that’s bothering me. It’s not bothering my husband. So like I am the one that. Needs the D dishes done now.
Amanda: And so if I work with that, if I work with that anxiety and I think about like, are these dishes hurting me? Are they hurting me in the [00:22:00] sink? Well, sometimes they are hurting me and because they make me so stressed out, right? So if I really want them done, then I will just do them. Like, if I want ’em done now, then I will do them.
Amanda: But sometimes I can let, like I feel at ease, you know, and I’m not as stressed out. I can let it go. But what my husband has. You know, promise to do is make sure everything in the kitchen is very clean. So like all the counters and the dishes are all contained. And we also bought a huge sink. We did that on purpose because that sink, it doesn’t look as bad.
Amanda: It’s not like the dishes are on the counter. And so if. If my husband can like wait to do the dishes, we, they will pile up, but they’re all in one place. And I’m even thinking of another compromise, like I could put a big towel [00:23:00] over it. It sounds so weird. But we are weird people over here. Okay, so do you see how like you can compromise and you can really like, part of it involves like understanding where people are coming from.
Amanda: Like my husband understands how anxious the dishes. And a messy kitchen make me, and so, and, and he has compromise too where he’s like, okay, I’ll just do them. I’ll just do them now. Like so, so sometimes he does just do them because I want him to do them now. So because he knows it stresses me out and then sometimes I let him not do them.
Amanda: Because I’m okay. Like, it’s okay. You don’t have to do them. Like I, I feel pretty calm, like as long as all the counters are clean and everything else is clean and they’re all contained in our giant sink, like I’m okay. So both of us are sort of like flexible about it. This is [00:24:00] such a weird, random example, but I think it’s a really common one, you know, and I, I think that whole idea of figuring out what the underlying needs are and like what’s underneath this conflict, um, of the dishes not being done or being done and win, um, you know, it has to do with values and also like our, our brain chemistry.
Amanda: Okay, so let’s see what else we have here. Okay, so there’s something else that I want to talk about, which is power dynamics. Um, and this is where things get kind of complicated because you know when students are in conflict with each other, there. They’re equals, right? They’re peers. But when a student might have a conflict with a teacher or a parent or an administrator, the power dynamics are completely different.
Amanda: So, um, teaching students how to navigate [00:25:00] with people who have more power than they do is also really important. And the stakes are higher, the risks are greater, right? It, it, it’s more challenging. Authority figures are scary, so. If you’re in conflict, and this is what you can tell your students, if you’re in conflict with someone who has power over you.
Amanda: You need to be even more thoughtful and strategic, right? You don’t wanna go to a person who has power over you in an emotional state. Um, so, and also one thing that you really need to consider, and this is really for all conflicts. Is this conflict, conflict worth having? Not because you should accept mistreatment, never ever accept mistreatment, but because you need to choose your battles.
Amanda: Is this something that really matters to you or is it more about ego or comfort In the dishes situation, it’s about comfort. And you know, [00:26:00] at times it does matter to me. At other times it doesn’t matter. It kind of depends on how I feel. And that’s sort of the resolution that we came to. Right. Um, okay. So when you’re confronting someone who is, has more power than you confronting when you’re trying to resolve a conflict, right.
Amanda: You want to figure out, like, do I really wanna have this battle? The second thing you wanna do is if it’s a serious conflict, you wanna have a record of what’s happening. So making sure to write down everything that happens, write down witnesses, um, facts that occur, right? Um, and then also you might wanna have allies trusted adults that can support you when you go to that.
Amanda: More powerful authority figure to do the conflict resolution. Um, they might also have more perspective and more, um, ideas for navigating a conflict. Uh, [00:27:00] and then. Also if you’re having a conflict with a teacher and you try to resolve it with the teacher in a respectful way, um, but it’s not working out. I think that also going to a counselor or an administrator is important too.
Amanda: And, and speaking to like. Tattling, like that’s not tattling. It’s using the systems within a school that are in place to support students. So there’s a difference, you know, like tattling is more like trying to get someone in trouble, whereas, um, trying to get a conflict resolved, trying to be able to communicate with someone, trying to get a need met.
Amanda: Like that’s different, you know. So teaching students that, and um, just teaching students that even if there’s like a power difference, it’s [00:28:00] still, you know, and, and this is a problem, it’s still worth trying to solve, like being able to advocate for yourself. Is really, really an important skill. Right? And, and it’s very, very, very important and I feel like.
Amanda: Conflict resolution with an equal is good practice and is sort of like the beginnings. Uh, it’s like this beginning stages of conflict resolution and then being able to conflict resol, do conflict resolution with someone who has more power and authority over you is, um, like next level, right? Um, it really is.
Amanda: So another thing that’s important to talk to students about is like, what happens if you can’t resolve the conflict? What if you’ve tried everything and the other person is just not willing to [00:29:00] engage with you or, um, take any sort of responsibility? Um, things like that. So the answer to that is setting boundaries.
Amanda: And a lot of people misunderstand what boundaries are and that it’s like you telling another person like what they can and can’t do. That’s not what a boundary is. It’s actually something that you set within yourself. It’s controlling how you behave, what you say, um, who you are. In contact with, right?
Amanda: You could limit your contact with that person. You could protect your energy by not talking to them as much. Um, you can decide what you’re willing and unwilling to accept, right? You can leave a relationship. Um, but boundaries are not about controlling other people. Boundaries are about figuring out what you need and doing what you need.
Amanda: Based on that, like [00:30:00] taking action yourself, uh, based on what you know you need, right? Or getting help from someone getting a mediator or a counselor or a principal involved. Right, like figuring out or a parent. Um, and sometimes the answer is accepting that this relationship isn’t going to work the way you hoped.
Amanda: And that’s okay. Not every conflict has a happy resolution, and sometimes the best thing you can do is just minimize the harm, uh, that you are, uh, incurring, you know, from the situation or the conflict. Okay? So, uh. Again, I have slides to go with this episode. So I really think that, um, they can help you in teaching students, but.
Amanda: It’s also important to remember to model it, um, create opportunities for practice. The slides have, um, opportunities and sort of like low stakes, [00:31:00] kind of like conflicts, uh, that students can role play with. Um, and roleplaying is a really powerful way to practice all of this. Um. And also just having students think through and reflect when conflict arises, like, and even journaling.
Amanda: Like what happened? What was the conflict, what was your perspective? What was the other person’s perspective? How did you two communicate? Like documenting kind of what happened and then reflecting afterwards, um, and. I think that I also want to name before I sign off today that a lot of times. I think teachers in particular, um, tend to be very conflict avoidant, myself included.
Amanda: Um, and so, and, and it’s also influenced by sort of your culture, [00:32:00] your gender. Women can often be, uh, people pleasers, men can too, right? Non-binary people. Trans people. Like we can all ha be people pleasers. We can also be, um, you know. The other end of the spectrum, which is like explosively angry and like al and demanding that we get our way right?
Amanda: So like these things are very, um, common in conflicts. And so it’s just for you. To teach this content, you kind of have to get comfortable doing it yourself, getting curious about yourself, like, how do I handle conflict? What’s my pattern? So I think that this topic is so incredibly valuable and important in every classroom.
Amanda: Like no matter what subject you teach, I think every subject should teach this over and over and over again. Right? Because it is going, [00:33:00] being able to, um, I. To have skills in conflict resolution, it’s going to have a really great. Um, impact on every relationship that you’ll ever have. Your friendships, your romantic partnerships, family, working relationships.
Amanda: All of them have disagreements at some point. And in order for these relationships to thrive, it really depends on how conflict is handled. It, it’s an important skill and I really think that it needs to be emphasized more in schools and. Being able to just teach kids that you can strongly and disagree with someone, but you can still respect them and where they’re coming from, and be in a healthy relationship with them, that that is possible.
Amanda: You can have competing needs and find and find a middle ground, find solutions, you know, so that your relationship can grow and [00:34:00] become stronger because both of you feel whole. Heard and supported. So next time there’s a conflict in your classroom, instead of jumping in to fix it, you might ask like, is there an opportunity here for students to learn to be coached?
Amanda: Um, and, and asking questions, right? And going through those seven steps with the students. Um, I think that that, uh. This could be very, very helpful to students for the rest of their lives and in, in all the relationships they have. So here’s a question to, to reflect on as we wrap this episode up. When was the last time you were in a conflict with a person and it strengthened?
Amanda: Your relationship rather than damaged it. What made that possible? How can you [00:35:00] help your students experience that? Okay, next time we’ll be talking about another really important skill, which is emotional regulation. Thanks for listening, and as always, I appreciate you reviewing the podcast, giving it five stars and sharing it with people you think would find it valuable.
Amanda: Okay, [00:36:00] bye-bye.
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