On the Empower Students Now podcast, host Amanda Werner shares that she pursued an autism diagnosis at 43 after years of researching autism following her child’s 2021 diagnosis. During this time she was also diagnosed with ADHD, identifying as AuDHD. She describes feeling overwhelmed trying to organize her ideas into traditional formats and turns to poetry as a way to express the “messy” chaos of her mind. Amanda discusses stigma and misconceptions about ADHD and autism, including a “bandwagon effect” narrative, and argues that more diagnoses reflect increased information while autism may still be overlooked, especially when ADHD is diagnosed. She emphasizes the importance of teachers understanding neurodivergence and encourages exploring this co-occurance further. She then reads a poem listing AuDHD paradoxes and concludes that learning about neurodiversity has improved her self-acceptance.

00:00 Late Autism Diagnosis
01:04 Overwhelm and Chaos
02:37 Why Poetry Helps
03:50 Teachers and Undiagnosed Kids
04:59 Stigma and Bandwagon Talk
06:06 ADHD Parent Dismissal Story
08:24 Why She Wrote This
10:09 Poem Paradoxical AuDHD Poem
13:22 Closing Reflections

Transcript

Amanda: [00:00:00] Hello, this is the Empower Students Now podcast. I am Amanda Werner, your host, and recently I revealed to my audience and the world, whoever you are, that I was diagnosed with autism, and I was 43 when that diagnosis, when I pursued a diagnosis. But I knew for many years before that that I was probably autistic just from doing a deep dive into autism for many, many years after my kid was diagnosed, uh, in 2021.

So I, and I was diagnosed with A-D-H-D-I think a year after that, like 2022 or something. So now, uh, you know that I am. It’s called A [00:01:00] DHD, so autism plus A DHD. And I’ve been really wanting to do more episodes about the experience of A DHD, and it’s. Challenging because one of the experiences is feeling really overwhelmed with all the information in my head and feeling like I don’t know where to start.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to organize all of this information that I have in my head that I’ve accumulated over the years. Right now sitting in front of me, I have a bunch of books I have. A bunch of journals that I’ve written in. I have Scrivener Open because I’ve tried to write a book.

I have Google Docs [00:02:00] open, a Google Drive folder with a bunch of things that I’ve written. I have Claude, I’ve been playing around with Claude help, trying to get Claude to help me, like outline my ideas, and none of it is helping. None of it. It’s all it feels. Too much. It feels too hard to articulate these things to people.

And I’m just sitting here all alone. My cat is next to me, um, and I’m talking to myself right now. No one’s listening, but soon I’m gonna publish this episode. And the one format that I feel like I love and that I’ve been. Dabbling in is poetry because poetry in poetry, you’re allowed to be messy. You’re allowed to break rules.

You’re allowed to release the [00:03:00] chaos of your brain. And so in this episode, I would like to read you a poem that I wrote about the paradoxes of. Autism and A-D-H-D-A-D-H-D. I don’t really know what I’m calling this poem. It is so rough. It is a very rough poem, but that’s okay. I am trying to give myself permission to, uh, be messy, to be disorganized, and.

To talk more off the cuff about my experiences and not be so planned and put together and really masked. Um, there’s so many books I wanna talk about with you and tell you about, and I really do think that teachers are, [00:04:00] they’re gatekeepers. They’re, they’re. Just really, really important people out there in the world that need this information in order to better support their students and to empower their students and to, and to better understand their students and, and this whole phenomenon, there are many, many, many undiagnosed kids out there.

And adults, and I think that there is this idea that people are being overdiagnosed now, and I think that there’s a lot more people getting diagnosed because there’s a lot more information out there about. The experience of autism. And I think that’s a good thing, um, that more people are being diagnosed.

But do I [00:05:00] think that there’s this, uh, like bandwagon effect, uh, with all of this? Like that, you know, everyone’s neurodivergent and everyone’s neurodiverse. No, I, I mean, yes, yes, of course there’s a bandwagon effect. And, and maybe there’s people that are being misdiagnosed. Um. But I don’t think that they’re being misdiagnosed with autism.

I really don’t. If anything, they’re not being diagnosed with autism. They’re being diagnosed with A DHD and autism is not really considered, uh, which I think is silly because autism and A DHD are often co-occurring. And so someone that’s diagnosed with A-D-H-D-I really do think and advise them to learn more about autism.

’cause there’s a lot of overlaps between the two. And I think that people aren’t necessarily aware or accepting of that. I think that there’s a lot more stigma around autism than there [00:06:00] is around A DHD. I mean, yes, there’s stigma around A DHD, I mean a few years ago. Uh, there was a student who to me was, was obviously A-D-H-D-I mean, this kid could not like, do, do their work at all, like they were so distractible.

And I, I think that, that, there’s a lot of reasons for that and maybe it wasn’t a DHD, but I did. Say to the parent, like, or ask. I asked the parent, I said, have you seen a p pediatrician about the behaviors that are occurring at school? Right? Where the kid was just constantly leaving the classroom to go to the bathroom, never getting any, get, never getting any of their work done in class.

Just, uh, fiddling around with things. Catching them on their phone, just pretty much unable to do their work [00:07:00] in class. And I said, have you, have you gone to a pediatrician? Um, because I think that they might be able to help you. And this parent said, no, I’m not doing that. They don’t have a DHD, they just need to get their act together.

Um, they need to work harder. And that, I think that attitude. Of just dismissing A DHD, because you assume that there’s this like TikTok bandwagon effect to it. I think that it could be really harmful to kids. I think that there’s nothing wrong with exploring with a pediatrician and a psychiatrist who can diagnose various things.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just exploring, um, with assessments that these people can give you, you know, like [00:08:00] pediatricians and, um, psychiatrist and just exploring your options, you know, and exploring just what’s available out there to people who are struggling, uh, kids and adults. So. I don’t know.

These are just some of my thoughts about the stigma around A DHD and autism. But now I’d like to share this poem with you because I bet there’s a lot of people out there, maybe listeners of this podcast that are wondering, like, Amanda, you seem so normal. Like how could you have autism? And I understand why people would think that, because you haven’t peered into my.

Childhood, um, and my adult life. And, you know, you’re not knowledgeable about those things. And, and a lot of like good friends that I have aren’t really, don’t really [00:09:00] know a lot about what happened to me as a child. Um, and so I, and I think people would be pretty shocked to learn some of the things that I went through as a child.

And so. I don’t know it. There’s a lot to this, and so I’m gonna stop there and I’m just gonna read this bomb to you because I think that it really does explain a lot about my experience and the paradoxical experience that I’ve had my entire life, right? Because to be diagnosed with autism, these. These symptoms, these traits, they really do need to be present throughout your entire life.

And I do understand that some, like some people are misdiagnosing themselves because they might have a trait during a certain moment in their life, but not necessarily have a history of that in their life. And so that is a really big question to ask, like, has this been a challenge [00:10:00] for you? You know, throughout your life and, and was it in your childhood too?

Um, okay. Ready? Here we go. This is my poem, paradoxical. A DHD. Wants quiet, loves noise. Feels too much, feels too little. Thinks too much. Thinks too little. Wants hugs. Doesn’t want hugs. Wants to connect. Wants to be alone. Loves art. Never does art. Loves writing, never writes, loves reading. Never sits down to read.

Seems normal, feels abnormal. Talks too loud. Talks too quiet. Talks too much. Doesn’t talk enough. Wants to be alone. [00:11:00] Don’t want to be lonely. Loves humor, lasts to get the joke. Loves puns. Takes everything. Literally too passionate. A procrastinator gets shit done, procrastinates till the last minute. Happy, annoyed, confused, but mostly annoyed.

Wants to be known. Wants to remain anonymous. Wants to be part of the group is extremely uncomfortable in groups, has thousands of ideas. Doesn’t want attention for them. Wants attention, doesn’t want attention, wants help. Doesn’t want help, loves to cuss, looks prim and proper, not a girl. Not a woman, not a boy.

Not a man. Feels [00:12:00] maybe non-binary. I’m the same as you. I’m different from you. I’m autistic. I’m more than my autism is misunderstood, wants understanding, understands, misunderstands, empathetic, insensitive. Gifted. Intelligent, naive, dense. Hyper aware. Oblivious, bold and brave. Insecure and scared, trusting.

Honest, naive, vulnerable, blunt, rude, sensitive, thoughtful. My gifts strengths are also my weaknesses. I’m fine. I’m not fine. Impressive accomplishments. Debilitating burnout. I’m fine. I’m not fine. I’m fine when I can speak my truth, but it’s [00:13:00] hard to speak my truth. I want to speak my truth.

This poem is for you. This poem is for me.

That’s it, that’s the problem. Uh, I don’t know, maybe, maybe you relate to some of this. Maybe you don’t relate. I don’t know. I don’t know really what other people’s experiences are, but this has been my experience my whole life and uh, and so that’s my poem and that’s. The episode for today. I hope you enjoyed it.

I will probably share another poem in my next episode, so stay tuned for that. I hope that, um, you got a little insight today about what it’s like to be a DHD. It is very paradoxical. It [00:14:00] is very contradictory. It’s hard, um, but it’s also, I’m really appreciative of. The challenges that I have, because I think that they have really molded me into the person that I am today.

And I think that the person I am today is, is pretty awesome. I like myself. I like myself a lot better than I used to, and I really do think that the neurodiversity movement and learning about autism and A DHD have really helped me, um, love myself. Uh, whereas before I didn’t, I, I used to think that there was something wrong with me, um, in the way that I behaved, in the way that I felt, I just felt wrong.

Um, and now I feel like I understand more why I do the [00:15:00] things I do and why I feel the way that I feel and why I’ve had the challenges that I’ve had my entire life. So. Maybe this, uh, episode will help you to understand yourself better too. I hope so. Thank you, and if it did, feel free to share this episode with someone you think might benefit from it.

Thanks again. Bye-bye.